I just have to quote it here, for those who dun wanna read all of the articles
Let me introduce you to a game Japanese kids like to play called "Kancho."
Actually, it's not so much a "game" as it is kids clasping their hands together, sticking out their first fingers, and shoving them up your butt. I'm really not joking.
You know, before we come to Japan, they tell us a lot of ultimately useless stuff. What kind of computer to bring, if our DVD's will work, clothing sizes, that kind of nonsense. Nowhere, and I mean nowhere, in the 3-4 months of orientations did anyone ever mention that at some point, a Japanese kid may try to stick their fingers up our butt. That's something I would have liked to know, personally.
It's called Kancho, and just about any kid can be a Kancho Assassin. Even the sweetest little girl may be prone to jam her fingers up your ass the second you turn around. This happened to one of my friends, which just goes to show - don't trust anyone. I'd say the little girls are the most dangerous cause they have natural ways of lowering your defenses.
I was pretty lucky. Before I came, I bought a really big, really baggy pair of pants. The kids try to Kancho...but they just have no idea where my ass is! It's beautiful! I had one kid try and find his fingers hit nothing but jean fabric and air. Yes! But I've actually gotten pretty good at dodging it, much like Spider-man I have developed a Kancho Sense that tells me where and when it's coming before it comes. I parry fingers like a pro. My record is still 100% Kancho Free. Ha! America 2, Japan 0.
Ass Wars Episode VI - Return of the Kancho
I hadn't had any attempts since last April. The ichinensei had just entered jr. high, and one day one boy tempted fate against me. Thanks to my trusty Kancho Sense™ I avoided getting my oil checked, but I realized that if I didn't head this shit off at the pass, I'd have to be parrying them for at least the next few months. So I turned around and chased the boy down. He was surprised, he probably didn't think I could move that fast. I caught him...I restrained him with my left hand, dropped to one knee, put my right hand back as far as I could, said "One thousand years of pain!!" in the over-blown anime style and everything, and prepared to kancho him straight to Hell. The boy was freaked out. I think tears were even streaming down his face. I don't blame him. In retrospect, I can't even imagine - you're a 12 year old Japanese boy being forcibly restrained by a large black man who is bound and determined to penetrate your ass. I would have been crying too.
So I wound up to deliver the Unholy Kancho, but stopped just inches short of the mark. I then spun the boy around, and addressing not just him, but the crowd that had gathered around him, I said "Now, that is your WARNING." I didn't have any kancho attempts since then. I only did this at one school, but I imagine news of the event spread like wildfire to the other two.
However, Mousey didn't quite get it. Despite being a ninensei now, he acts like an elementary school kid. Worse sometimes. So today, I was standing in the hall, my Kancho Sense™ distracted as I was talking to one of my (cute) young teachers. Thankfully, I had my emergency fallback - my baggy pants, and Mousey missed. But not by much. I almost let this slide, but I knew if I did I might as well bend over and paint a bullseye on my ass. So I caught up to him and put him in a headlock as he was on his way to class.
"What in the world did you just do?" I ask.
"Kancho." He says nonchalantly, as if it's the most natural thing in the world to try and ram your fingers up someone's ass.
"Uh-huh. If you ever try that again, I will give you the biggest kancho in the history of Japan," I say. "General Tojo will feel it 60 years ago, and call his planes back before they get to Pearl Harbor. Got it?"
"Got it."
A desperate struggle
With both my hands occupied I had to do some serious dancing to avoid getting grabbed/poked. I was on some Michael Flatley Lord of the Dodgedick shit, you'd probably have to tape me and play the tape in slow motion to capture the true speed at which my crotch/ass region was moving. I realized though that I wouldn' t be able to keep this up forever, and at some point I'd have to think of a way out of this. To make matters worse (worse?!) though, a third boy appeared from out of *nowhere* (more Japanese teleportation?) and started going for whatever was open. So OK, let's review. I've got the Kancho Drone to my rear, Dick Grabber #23 on point, and Random Kid on assist, forming a perfect Triangle Molest Offense. Both my hands were tied, but I still had 4 free hands going for stuff. I was getting rushed down like an Asian girl at an anime convention. I realized at this point, this is the most dangerous situation I've ever been in.
Just out of curiousity, I looked up to see what the other teacher was doing. She calmly packed away her things at the front and casually talked with some of the girl students, seemingly oblivious to what was going on. Take a moment to think about that, if you will. In a classroom you've got a large black man cornered by three Japanese boys trying to shove fingers up his ass and grab him by the dick, while the teacher, less than 5 meters away, casually talks with the girl students about TV or something. ...That's just how it is here.
Back to the action. I managed to grab two boys by the arm, then pulled them inside to act in tandem as a shield against themselves and the third boy. With both of them thrown off their game, I managed to force them down to the floor (with only one arm per boy, at the same time!) and on their stomachs. I dropped to my knees and roared "IT'S MY TURN NOW!" The boys suddenly developed beastly strength, as they broke free from my hold and got the hell out of dodge. I don't even think they ran away, just *paf* *gone*. Frayed, I took a moment to collect myself, then returned to the teacher. She finished her conversation with the girls, looked up at me, and said "Oh, the boys seem to enjoy playing with you very much."
.....Yeah. One might say that.